Protecting Her…

Every mother…parent…guardian has an instinct to protect and guard their child. Recently my anxiety has been on hyperdrive when it comes to my feelings around wanting to protect Morgan from everything. And I’m really struggling with it.  I took a little break again from the blog because well…I’m human and I have a million things going on. I’ve been trying to write to finish my book and I’m struggling with that. Been trying to live and I’m struggling with that. Struggling with love/relationships, motherhood, financially…I mean I’m struggling on my little slow moving struggle bus and it hasn’t been fun.

Every morning while at work during the week, I read online the daily “headlines” and various articles. Everday there is an article about a child abduction, child murder, child abuse, child incest, child rape, child killing or something related to something extremely negative when it comes to children. I mean the shit is disheartening. It’s terrifying and if you don’t have children, you probably aren’t paying many of these articles any mind. I know I never did before I had Morgan. But since I’ve become a mother, I mean my attention to things related to children is on hyperdrive.

I’ve read horrible articles about school administrators smacking or beating kids, I’ve read about babysitters kicking or throwing kids around rooms, I’ve read about a mothers boyfriend torturing and killing a 7-year-old boy because he thought he liked boys and made the mistake of mentioning it,(I mean he was 7) – it broke my heart. I’ve read about mothers committing “mercy” killings of her children because they wanted to put their ailing kid out of misery. I’ve read about a newborn being raped by an uncle, and dying from the trauma. I watched a video of a caregiver to a special needs child, slap the child over and over and over again because he couldn’t speak and therefore couldn’t tell his parents (luckily they installed cameras without telling her). You name it and I’ve seen it.

A recently watch “A Quiet Place” and the entire movie is about two parents protecting their kids.  Emily Blunt mentions in the movie “Who are we if we can’t protect them”…it resonated with me. Who am I, If I can’t protect Morgan?  Luckily, I have an amazing support system and a babysitter I can trust, but Morgan will be starting school next year and that…has terrified me.  I’ll admit that though we are a year out from her starting – I’ve already cried about it twice.  I fear for her life over all others. I fear that something will happen and she’ll be scared and I won’t be there to protect her. I fear that I’ll miss something that may happen to her and she won’t be able to tell me. There are a million situations in my head and a million of them, I can’t stop from happening.

My bestie – who is a million times more positive thinking than, I am, understands.  See, before I had Morgan, we got into a heated little argument that now years later, I’m having to eat my words about.  The discussion was around her daughter whose was maybe 6 or 7 at the time and allowing her to go to away camp. Now, I went to away camp when I was maybe 12 and it was a great experience. My friend never attended an away camp. My friend was set on not allowing her daughter to attend an away camp or attend sleepovers at friends houses for fear of “the millions of possibilities”. The possibilities of situations as I explained above.  My view (at the time, I wasn’t pregnant – nor thinking about having children) was that, by not allowing her to sleep away, sleepovers overs at other friends houses or attend away camp that she was limiting her. I never considered the negative aspects of the “what if’s”. I didn’t have a child. Didn’t understand. This argument was serious and really made me think about what type of person she was. I figured she was a dingleberry, who was overthinking the whole situation and being mellow dramatic. I dwelled on the idea of why anyone would want to limit their child just because they had been limited. Sleepovers for me were always awesome. Sleepaway camp was amazing (though in hindsight, it was an all FEMALE camp, with all female staff). Before ending this convo, she reminds me that I’ll feel different, once I have a child. I hardcore answer that “I WILL NOT FEEL ANY DIFFERENT”.

FAST FORWARD

I have Morgan.  THE END lol

No, but I have Morgan and my entire world changes.  My heart shifts. My mind changes. My instincts heighten. I’m a mother.  I fear for her life over my own and would give my life in an instant for her.  My protective instincts immediately make me feel like my bestie, who all those years before, I condemned because she was thinking about the “the millions of possibilities”. My bestie, who was always thinking about the safekeeping and wellness of her child. My bestie, who respected my feelings but knew…knew that if I had a child eventually that I would see. My eyes would open and I would see that all people can’t be trusted. She knew that I would feel different and I’m unashamed to say…I do feel different.  It terrifies me to think about Morgan being at an away camp, sleeping over at a friends house with someone’s father or brothers (I may not know).  My mindset changed.

Now, some are probably reading this like “What the hell”. She’s lost it. But that’s ok. It’s a parental thing. A mother thing…maybe?

I want to trust the world we live in but every day, it makes me distrust it a little bit more.  I will continue to keep her close.  Trust only those that I’m completely comfortable with. Protect her…at all cost. Because at the end of the day…it’s my job.

Peace, Love and Protecting,

L’Erin

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