This post…this post is going to bring me to my knees.
Last night…my amazing 3-year-old…my vivacious 3-year-old, had a seizure. To even type that…kills me. To even have to say it, relive it, think about it, has caused a fear to come over me that I knew existed from our time in the NICU and realizing that life is precious, that my child’s life is precious and important and needed and that I can’t live without her, just a wave has swept over me and I’m sure I’ll be forever changed.
Mosquitos seem to love her. I mean every time she gets a bite, her skin has the worst reaction and she gets rashes and her skin swells and she looks like “Hitch” when he had the reaction to shellfish.
So we always have to give her something for those reactions. Usually, it is Zyrtec but we were out from last Spring and hadn’t purchased any. Her dad and I had reached out to our PCP (Primary Care Physician) late 2016 to ask about giving her something for these reactions and she suggested that in the most of severe cases, that 0.05 mls of Benadryl would be ok. So we’ve kept that little piece of information in the back of our minds, for when serious reactions happen. Though any parent knows, that Benadryl has effects. It’s for kids 6 and older and there really isn’t an infant or toddler one because of how drowsy it makes kiddos amongst other things.
So Wednesday 6/6, I came home to Morgan, whose ear was the size of a kiwi. Swollen and red and seeping from the pressure and from her itching it. So we cleaned it and left it alone, in hopes that by Thursday, it would look better. That didn’t happen. Thursday, my mother called me to say that her reaction was worse and that her ear looked worse and that her itching had become more frequent. So, her dad and I made an executive decision to give her newly purchased Benadryl but still only the 0.05 mls. She slept with me that night and everything seemed fine. No issues…
Fast-forward to last night… I feed Morgan her favorite (chicken) and some avocado for dinner around 7:45pm and gave her another 0.05 ml of Benadryl as her ear still looked swollen and red and was actually starting to get purplish bruising and scabs from her itching and digging in it. So, usually after my adult self-takes Benadryl, I usually have about 2 hours before, I pass out. So I decided to make a night of Mommy and Morgan cuddles in my bed again and so I could monitor her. She fell asleep soon after.
Around 10pm, I was on the phone talking to my best friend and noticed Morgan had awakened and so I got off the phone and went to grab her a bottle with some water (as she was motioning to me that her throat was maybe dry). She was drinking her bottle and maybe 3 minutes passed before I looked over to notice her head was sliding off the pillow and that she was kinda kicking me. Not knowing, I said “Hey Baby, what’s up with you kicking Mommy” and grabbed her, but the second I grabbed her, I knew something was wrong. And this is where, as I type…the tears are streaming down my face.
The instant, I picked her up, I knew something was happening. I’ve never seen a seizure. But I picked her up and she was ever so softly jerking, her eyes were red and glazed over and her small little hands were ridged and stuck in a position, I’d never seen her do. I instantly screamed for help. I’m crying and trying to help her and I was helpless. I run downstairs to her dad and start screaming to him that something is wrong with her. I had her over and the second, he says it…I went into a full panic mode. “L’Erin…she’s having a seizure”. I had no bra on, pajama shorts and my phone and apple watch was on my dresser. I ran upstairs looking for something to put on and at the moment decided to say fuck it…fuck a bra and fuck these shorts…I had to get her to the hospital. My dad had already run to get the car. I’m crying and shaking and worried and panicked and for everyone…I AM NOT GOOD IN SITUATIONS. I PANIC…ALL LOGIC LEAVES ME AND I BECOME INSTANTLY TERRIFIED AND SCARED.
We get in the car and rush to Children’s. The same hospital that saved Morgan’s life 3 years ago and the whole reason she is here and the sweet baby girl we have today.
Again…I had no phone. No way to contact my mom, my best friends, my dad, no one and I didn’t even care.
When we arrived, I was in full break down. Breakdown about why we were there, breakdown about what I just saw, breakdown about whether or not what she had just experienced would cause any limitations or have lasting effects or anything. I was freaking out and for someone who already suffers from anxiety…it wasn’t a good situation without having medication to calm my nerves.
As soon as we arrived the took us back. Because of Morgan’s history of prematurity, IVH, Hydro, and the shunt…they doctor came in immediately to tell us that we would be in for the long haul because a full workup of MRI’s, CT-Scans, X-Rays, and Blood work would be needed to determine the cause. I informed them of the Benadryl and at first, they seemed unphased by the admission. Within the hour, we got the CT-Scan, MRI, and X-Ray done and the nurse was working on putting in an IV line for fluids as they decided she would be NPO (nothing by mouth) until they knew what was going on. I sat cuddling her on the bed waiting for results. At some point, her father and I switched, as I assumed he’d want some snuggles with her too and I needed to breathe. Too scared of what the results might determine.
Somewhere around 1am, the doctor came into to tell us that the Radiologist, The Neuro team and her had talked and they were all happy with the MRI, X-Ray and CT Scan results. Blood work work-up was still happening. But the Shunt was working, no blood clots and nothing that looked to be IVH or Hydro related. So for that, we were in the clear. About an hour later – the doctor comes in and says they are pretty sure they know what caused it…soon as she said it… I broke down and my heart broke…It was the fucking Benadryl. It was my fault. The doctor immediately told me it wasn’t my fault and that there was no way I would have known to account for the Thursday dose still being in her system and that the dose from Friday and Thursday together had cause the misfiring and caused the seizure. But no one was overly worried anymore as they felt, that it had passed and that since she was back to herself and nothing was showing signs of damage or recurrence that we could either go home or they could admit and keep an eye on her overnight.
During this conversation with the attending physician is when we learned about yet another loophole that prematurity of birth can cause. Benadryl has something in it that doesn’t react well to preemies. The doctor has seen it before but still before making any judgments, wanted to make sure Morgan was in the clear with everything shunt related before going with her original feeling – which was that it was just too much Benadryl in her system and it couldn’t handle it. As she explained, I cried. The wave of let down on my end…hit me like a brick wall. I fucked up and I take full responsibility.
After the seizure, she was tired. I mean why wouldn’t she be. It was late, something she didn’t know about and couldn’t control had just happened to her. But she bounced back almost immediately to herself. She was right back to crying, screaming and batting her little sleepy eyes. But doctors confirmed to me that she would be ok.
I have a lot on my plate. I have a lot going on. I have a lot of feelings and emotions, I am trying to work thru but despite all of that…the most important thing in my life and the person who keeps me moving is my daughter.
I would never…I repeat never ever do anything to place her in harm’s way. I would never purposefully do anything to hurt her. I certainly never meant to give her something that would hurt her.
I feel about giving her something that I thought was helping her but not accounting for Thursday dose making it 1 ml total that she had on Thursday and Friday is weighing on me heavy. I know better. I should have checked and re-checked our amounts. I should have known that it was too much in a 24 hour period. I should have known. My job as her mom is to know everything. To check and cross-check and re-check and double check and check again on everything going on with her. I failed.
The feelings of pure disgust I have for myself right now are overwhelming.
Peace, Love, and Guilt,