Teaching them “Love” or whatever

love-cards-and-pictures-1-widescreen-wallpaperRelationships between men and women, boys and girls, as adults and as teenagers – being in love in general is just extremely complex.  In all aspects. Has anyone else noticed this? That it doesn’t matter the grouping but love is complex and can be just a little crazy.

This post is dedicated to a pretty deep conversation I had almost two weeks ago with a friend about what he’s told his daughters about “what to accept” and “not accept” from the men she dates. Meaning – don’t allow someone to treat you like crap because you think you love them. Know what to tolerate and what absolutely not to tolerate. Have respect for yourself and know your value and worth.  I find this to be quite “profound” as, my own dad never really shared those words with me and could be why for the better part of my life…I’ve spent it “sucking” up to men who saw no true value or love in me.  I’ve internalized the BS, I’ve been thru and had to find my value and worth on my own. Anyway….

For protections sake: The conversation was around his daughter continuing to talk to a boy that she’d been dating recently. Supposedly, he had a “good” boy reputation according to some but her father (my friend) felt otherwise from the few interactions he’d had. She of course ended up breaking up with him once she found out he cheated.  Rightfully so (and GOOD FOR HER).  I didn’t get all the details but I’m sure whether in the open with her father (my friend), her mother, friends or behind closed doors – there was some heartbreak and tears involved with this betrayal but as most – she eventually moved past it (let me be clear that moving past it is not being over it) and to her fathers “naiveness” assumed that she’d moved on to greener pastures and left the jerk and his hurtfulness in the dust.That was until he found out she was still talking to the boy after the cheating situation (though only occasionally supposedly) – to his surprise and disgust, he of course did what any good dad would do…told her she could do better, not to accept less and that she doesn’t need to deal with his bs and should move on. That she’s better than him and better than the situation. That she needs to always keep her self-worth and value in mind.

Now – where this story takes a funny turn is that during this conversation, he ask me about how I handle things, etc.  I mentioned during the conversation that he SHOULDN’T have expected more from her because 1) she’s young 2) possibly a first love situation 3) as a women/girl, we have that annoying habit of dealing with relationships long past their expiration date all because we aren’t done with the man or the relationship until we are done. So we don’t throw away the whole man because of his indiscretions until we are ready. Shit being honest…some never throw the man away and deal with the bs that he dishes out for years (sometimes into marriage, etc.) The whole conversation rubbed me the wrong way…one because of who I was talking with, then cause of the whole notion to what the discussion was around.  Let’s be clear though…men are not sensative to heartbreak – especially when they cause it. They rarely are really sorry. They are rarely understand why we are so hurt, etc. It’s a whole mess.

I’ll go back and explain #3 –
In my personal experience, I’ve learned that specifically, if I’ve been cheated on, hurt emotionally, crushed by a loved ones (man’s) actions, deflated by their lack of love for me, bruised and battered from how they treat me mentally (not physically…as I’ve never allowed this), literally broken down by a man, it doesn’t matter what they did, because until I’m done with them, until my heart says move on, until my mind and heart are on the same page, even if they’ve done something so horrendous to me, I still stayed because in the end, I wanted to be the one to walk away first, have the last say and not have them give up on me first. So I put up with the bull, until I couldn’t anymore, lost interest and let go.

This was the basis of the conversation. I have a point to all this…

It’s not like this for every girl. God, I hope not. But for me, that’s always been my experience.  My point…the point in this post is to pose the question of whether or not my theory of men teaching our “girls” that leaving relationships past their expiration should be mandatory, if men teaching their girls the value in “self-worth” would mean anything later in how they conduct themselves in relationships. The bigger question is…Are mothers teaching their boys about respecting women, the truths behind how bad cheating hurts a woman’s core? Are we teaching our girls (both mothers and fathers) never to let our self-worth falter because of a relationship ending? Are we teaching respect and love in relationships? Are we teaching that love hurts? That love kills? That love can be beautiful, if done right? Girls are taught at a young age to accept mean things from boys because well…mean= love.   Respect, respect, respect but are we teaching them that actions hurt? That cheating hurts? That there are consequences to their bad behaviors?  Are we teaching real love?

My bigger question is and always will be…are fathers displaying behavior that is favorable of what they are telling their kids not to accept or do?

Now that’s the real question.

Peace & Love,

L’Erin

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