Ahhh…the touchy subject of Religion. Yes, I’m about to go there.
Growing up, I attended church faithfully. I was involved and active and devoted to the Lord and Savior. It helped that I attended a Catholic (NO, I’M NOT CATHOLIC) elementary and high school. Though I wasn’t Catholic, I respected it’s ideals because they where very close to my own religion at the time – Episcopalian. I always questioned things but felt that any good follower would. I just wanted to truth and proof and the gratification that came with knowing that I wasn’t being lied too. It became more difficult to follow after I experienced the deaths of both my Grandmother and my Uncle – both within about a year of each other. I think I felt abandoned. I felt confused as to how two seemingly perfect individuals could be taken off this Earth, while terrible people were allowed to stay. I mean I just couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t understand how it all worked and so I became angry. I lashed out in religion classes and started believing that everything I was being told was a complete fabrication. I started comparing Bible stories and released that not only where the stories different based off when it was written but it also was different based off what land the story was coming from. Also, I realized that all these stories were written from a man’s point of view. I mean right there, I knew something was wrong. So I cut religion off. I cut it out and refused to believe anymore. I would still attend church with my mother (because I was still living in her home and not 18 yet) but I didn’t believe a word of it. I would snarl and eye-roll at the sermons and readings and refused to play nice with religion after that.
It wasn’t until I watched “What’s Love Got to Do with It” about Tina Turner and how she found faith and comfort within the religion of Buddhism. I instantly wanted to know more about it, in hopes that I too could switch over. I did a lot of research but always felt that in order for me to understand it best, feel centered and happy with my decision that I needed to actually go to India and Asia to have that connection with its followers. It never happened and eventually, I came to the realization that replacing one religion with another didn’t make me any more religious or a believer. After that phase, I spent years reading about other religions and actually considered studying religion in college (but I had ulterior motives) and felt that it wasn’t my calling.
I eventually watched a show with Morgan’s father about the Science of Creation and it explained how religion and science have a connection though most wouldn’t think so. It was truly a defining moment in my life. Finally realizing that not only were my feelings about science confirmed to be correct but also confirming that religion isn’t all a lie but more a stretch of the truth (kind of) that gives people something to believe in. Now with that knowledge – I wouldn’t say I became an atheist or agnostic but I was right there (teetering on a very thin line).
When we had Morgan and everything that was going on with her, I found myself praying but also believing deeply in the science of medicine. I was asking that though I wasn’t religious that God protect her and keep her safe and with me but also that the power of the Doctors, Nurses and the specialist, along with their expertise and the medications – would save her. Something worked. Something came true and something proved to me that either the higher powers that be or the power of science and medicine was real and allowed me a chance to breathe better at night. I found my faith and it was a little of both.
I’ve been lucky that Morgan’s father and I are on the same page and agree when it comes to religion. I feel it’s important to be on the same page about it. We are believers in science and creation with a little bit of God thrown in. Recently, I’ve spent some time recently thinking about how I want to place religion in Morgan’s life. Should I throw religion at her and ask her to believe in something, I myself can’t fully accept or should I be honest and tell her that Science/Medicine are the truths too. I pose these questions mainly because my mother attends church regularly and occasionally pushes for us to allow Morgan to attend (allow probably isn’t the right word because I never don’t allow it). I never say no and would never say no because what I choose for my life doesn’t mean that Morgan has to be penalized for my/our choices. I want God to keep her safe. I want him to keep her healthy. I want him to hold her in her times of need but I also want her to be realistic in knowing that he will not answer when she calls all the time and that she will sometimes feel lost, abandoned and alone…and with that being said…I have no idea how to explain that to her.
I think so often about her and her religious needs. Will she believe in heaven and angels, will she believe in the story of creation, will she believe in the here and after and that when it seemed God forgot her that he was actually carrying and comforting her. Will we provide her with all the foundation she needs in having something (no matter what it is) to believe in help guide her thru life and give her comfort.
Let me end this post by saying…I have the utmost respect for those who have found, are deeply rooted and never wavering of their faith…whatever it may be. I am open-minded, I am accepting and I am loving of anyone who doesn’t have any of those and chose a different path.
Peace in All Things,