On the outside…I look fabulous. I really do. I wear make-up sometimes and can dress up and look just fantastic but it’s not what I feel on the inside. Words like fantastic and fabulous and amazing are words, I use to hide what my outward appearance isn’t saying about my inner feelings. My inner feelings are…Broken and shattered. Honestly, I’m surprised, I am even functioning like a mothering human being. And before anyone says it…I’ve passed and overcome the depressed phase. I’m not at all a threat to my child or anyone around me but that’s what this blog space is for. For me to release in hopes that someone else reads this and understands or helps someone feeling the same about their own life.
I don’t think anyone wants to admit when they are having a rough time with anything. I mean really! Who wants to admit that they are just feeling like a complete failure. Who in their right mind would admit that lol. We all know men don’t want to admit it because it makes them look weak and women are supposed to always have it together and anything outside of that is just unacceptable. And if a women lets the secret out that they are having a hard time…well then she’s weak and whiny. But for me, I’m the first to admit that I’m stressed the hell out! I mean man, I’m on the struggle bus and headed straight for breakdown and cry city (again). And hey…It’s ok to admit that you cry! I’ll just say that now! It’s natural and it’s extremely therapeutic. But anyway, it’s weird that I’m even admitting all this but I’m human, I’m not perfect and never will be and just recently have I realized that it’s ok for me to admit things out-loud and not fear that people are judging (even if they are). At this age and this point in my life, I don’t even give a crap.
All in all, I’m a mess. That’s pretty much what it comes down too. I am 30 years old, a mother of a beautiful baby girl, I’m able to go to graduate school for free because of my job, I have pretty much everything material that I could want but in a few other area’s of my life, it’s messy and sad and down right depressing. What can I say without saying to much…I guess saying that things in my love life…are falling apart, have fell apart and are getting to the point of being irreparable. And overall, I’m really hurt by it all. No, it’s not infidelity either! My love for this person, my whole heart that was given to this person…has some-how gotten lost in the mix. They no longer cared about my love. Appreciated my love and it’s a disconnect on us two adults in the end. It’s just other things aren’t going well and it’s just created this dark cloud that is constantly and consistently over me. It follows me thru-out my day and week and month and it’s gotten overwhelmingly heavier on my heart. It’s the feeling of losing something I’ve known for most of my life, the feeling of being alone, the feeling of what do I do now, the feeling of “I can do this”, the starting over again, I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m disappointed and then I’m also just fine about it too. That’s the part that I think my friends fine nerve wrecking is that when we talk…I always reply “I’m fine” because to some extent, I am just fine. I’ve known where it was heading for a long time. I’ve faced things. I come to terms. I’ve cried. I’ve broken inside a little and now I’m just ok with where it’s going even if I don’t like it. Truly, I am. Don’t worry (if you were). But it makes things no less stressful when I’m in a situation that I desperately want to hide from, get out of and also find a reasonable solution to at the same time. Frankly speaking there are a few situations, I desperately want to hide from.
The One that Broke Me First
2 years ago, right when I was facing the worst days of my life because of everything going on with Morgan and the stress of losing her possibly was weighing heavy on my heart, I lost a relationship that meant so much to me that it’s hard to put into words. Someone abandoned me, when I needed them most. I mean this wasn’t a friendship, it was so much more than that. It was a sisterhood that we had spent our whole lives building. A relationship that in my wildest dreams was everything I ever needed that I don’t think I appreciated it while I had it. It was more than just about being friends and family but more about the fact that looking back…we were both lost in life and just grateful to have someone. It was the most precious thing I had until Morgan. I miss it (I never admit it when asked). I cry over it. I’m so sad, I lost it. I’ve spent the last two years grappling with the heartbreak over how it ended. One day it was there and the next…nothing. Ended so abruptly, so cold-heartedly, with no explanation and no closure.
For a time, I put it in the back of my mind. I focused all my energy on Morgan and her getting well. I focused all love on my child and eventually refused to think about it unless questioned about their noticeable absence. People who knew us…couldn’t believe the situation. Couldn’t fathom how letting go of me also meant punishing Morgan (who they hadn’t even met) could be let go with such ease. After Morgan came home, I spent months working thru everything (struggle is more like it), every single day we ever spent together, the heart to hearts, the younger years in which I may have said things that were hurtful but had always apologized for (which might I add were always blown well out of proportion), but I mean I worked every single timeline out in my head and still couldn’t understand where they decided to just drop me. My mind played tricks on me but eventually my hurt turned to pain and the pain to anger and the anger to hate and the hate to rage and from there – there was no turning back no matter what their explanation was. But I also couldn’t take it anymore and finally broke down, cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe, but I let it out and choose to let go of the unexplained.
Forgetting for me is easier than forgiving. It’s just how I am. I chose to forget that they exist. That they were ever apart of my life. Forget that I ever loved them so much because it was all I could do. I got rid of things we had shared, pulled pictures down, tossed their belongings left at my home and almost covered up a tattoo that we both got together (but haven’t yet). I let go of hating them for not wanting to at-least know Morgan. That was were I drew the line. I couldn’t for the life of me, understand how no matter what I had done or what shit we had going on… she was the best part of me and how could they take their all of sudden dislike of me out on my newborn child, I couldn’t understand it. What’s funny though, is that they had the nerve and audacity to show up at her first birthday and I could have spit nails. I wasn’t even furious…I was ready to strangle! We eventually spoke, we cried and I had some semblance of reconciliation hoped up but it never happened. Still no explanation! And without that – I took them to be a coward and I don’t associate with cowards. Own your behavior and failures and fuck ups! It’s that simple…
It wasn’t until earlier this year, that I wrote a letter to this person. I put my final goodbye, all of the incredibly painful feelings, loss of the relationship and everything we shared into that letter and released myself from all of it. Let myself go of all the pain. But this task – wasn’t easy. It still caused a heavy heart to even have to do it. I will not send the letter but instead buried it deep. I don’t know if I would want them or anyone else to know how just truly life changing the end of it was for me. So with that said, I will never forgive them but instead chose to forget them but the loss, still haunts me sometimes. So that too causes stress occasionally.
There are other situations that I stress and worry about. Everyday things. Things going on in the world. Things happening with my friends and family. My obsession with understanding how we can’t just all get along. Did I mention the stress of all that my country is dealing with. Dealing with my hate of inequalities and racism. I mean the list goes on.
In the end…it’s just me…
In my mind, I always thought that there was this close bond between me and my mom. It was there sometimes and other times not. What can I say about my mom. She’s mom. But there are just somethings lingering in the air with her that have caused hurt, some serious distrust and feelings of un-loyalty/abandonment recently. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom but she has no idea all that I deal with (probably doesn’t care). But it’s not the venue to air out these feelings or the real issues related to the “Disunion”. But, If you’ve ever heard someone say…”We all we got”. Well “I’m all I got”. I’ve come to realize that apart from my close friends, my family and Morgan…I’m all I have. That even when I know I have those I can reach out too…I’m still in this alone and it’s my journey and life to maneuver around. When Morgan’s love is my reason in life. When things that should have broken me…haven’t. I know that I can get thru. It’s still tough no matter what but I can. I will. I again…Thank the Heavens above for Morgan. Because on the days that are tough, the days I cry (she sweetly comforts me), the days when I want to give up, she’s right there and her smile is what sees me thru. She cures and piece back the heartbreak and stress of all that is going on. I’m so grateful for her! My miracle blessing in-disguise.
I’m trying to cope with so much but also trying to keep going! I know someone out there can relate.
Peace and Closure,